My radio silence

I haven't posted anything since 8th of Nov, the reason for that is that a week later I lost my mum. 

I haven't felt like blogging, talking or even being awake, I have barely cried and the two times I did cry for more than a minute was when my dad hugged me and when Andi came down to console me. The safest I feel is with those men and it's the only time I cried. 

I don't mean for that to sound heartless but the only way I can explain it is a sensation of numbness except for those times.

My mum raised me to accept my emotions and not suppress them and not be ashamed of expressing them, so did her sister ( my aunt) Lynn. What I saw from dad was to be stoic and not complain about things that be can't be changed even though they really hurt. So I accepted what I could not change and I showed emotions when I had them, it's only now after spending yesterday with most of my family that I felt like posting something before getting back to my normal blogging or as normal as it can be. 

Yesterday I was spoiled and thankful for that, but what I loved most was being around family, laughing, hugging, talking and seeing others enjoy the day. Once back home I was luckier still to create dinner with my dad for my Uncle Paul, Julie and their baby Niamh, my Nana and Andi. Spent the whole evening with them with more jokes and laughing, not a single sad face. 

Then curling up on the sofa with Andi watching Firefly with my dad after playing board games. If anyone is grieving for any reason (which I honestly hope no one is) then be sad, be angry, cry if you feel like it and laugh hysterically if you don't know what else to do. Be with everyone you possibly can because in all my years of having depression, nothing has pulled me back faster than what my family has done for me recently. 

We are all caring for each other, we are all being strong for each other, but not of one us will know just how much it's helping the other. This family has had a rough time between my mum passing and family members being diagnosed with things that are just awful, but we never whine, we get up and fight where we can and be together when we can't fight. 

So this is my explanation but not an apology for my silence and a small reminder to my family that we are braver than we think. 

Mum, Paul and Lynn 

This is my mum and her siblings, never without a rush top on ever! The day my uncle announced that he was "effing blessed" 

If any of this has reached you in anyway, or even just if you have a big heart, any small donation to Epilepsy Scotland would be amazing, it was unfortunately this that took my mum because of something called SUDEP that no one can explain or stop. This isn't a plea, this is merely a hopeful "if you can, great. If you can't, thank you for reading" 

B x

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